Always Smiling: I need a HUG.

Picture: Christmas Break 2006. Grandma and I were practicing goofy faces for the camera.

Well, a week ago I wrote and was as happy as could be. But then life just started going downhill... I was having high hopes but my Dad called me yesterday to inform me that my Grandma only has a few days left. Below there's a post from my Thanksgiving visit with Grandma.... She was doing much better the next couple of days in ICU and got her breathing tubes out. She even got OUT of ICU. Right now she has an oxygen mask and they inserted the feeding tube again to give her some energy.

My family sent her some balloons on Tuesday and my Grandpa and Aunt said that she smiled and faintly acknowledged the gift, but that she's barely grasping their hands any more when they hold her hand. Carbon dioxide is building up in her lungs and she seems to be slowly slipping away. Today she had a slightly better report which was good to hear but it's hard to accept that when it seems it's just a matter of time. If she continues to fade my Dad will have to make the decision to pull her off life support and let her die a natural death.

I've never really had anyone close to me pass away, especially someone so holy as my Grandma. She was the type of Grandma that when I would visit I would wake up to the sound of her unforgettable voice praying aloud to God to be with her loved ones and ones she didn't know. She gave me my first Bible. When I didn't want to play pinnocle with the rest of the family she would sit and play cribbage with me. She made the best watermelon rolls which I still have yet to attempt to make. She wrote to me every single month once I left home to let me know she loved me and that I was always in her prayers. She would make me crochetted everything. Once she made me a green hat (see pic below) that evidently I wore every night for a summer waking up with a pool of sweat on my head. She seemed more connected to her extended relatives than anyone I've ever known. I gave her a penn state t-shirt my freshman year for Christmas and even though I accidently bought an XL... she still wore it when I would visit to show me she appreciated it. Every time I would visit in college she would always ask if I had a "special friend" which would make me smile because of her curiosity.

My parents stopped in Junction City to visit my dad's parents on their way up to visit me in September. I was surprised to see a sad looking dog my brother and I had named Samuel in my parents' car. It was the stuffed animal Ryan and I would always fight over. Every time I would visit in college my Grandma would always ask me what I wanted of hers (she always had this negative view of how her life seemed to becoming closer to its end that all of us would just chuckle about because she was fine and healthy). I never really wanted anything of hers ... like the china she gave me and other things like that. So I mentioned to her once, that the ONE thing that will forever remind me of her is SAMUEL. She gave Samuel to my parents in September to give to me because (in her negative view) she might not be alive to give it to me. I went down to see her and my Grandpa towards the end of October while my parents were there for my Dad's 35th high school reunion. That was the last time I saw her as a whole... as the Grandma I grew to know...

Her and I watching TV while my parents were at the reunion stuff. Her asking me about my job and me asking her stories from when she was younger. Her putting her little boombox to her ear so she could hear the football game on the radio and all of a sudden hearing "YES!!!" when her team scored. I love that memory. It truely makes me smile.

So when my Dad called yesterday I felt like I should go down there immediately so I could see her one last time. After talking to him awhile though and contemplating it I realized that I don't want that atmosphere to be my last memory of her. I did see her twice over Thanksgiving, with the first time me being a crying mess, but the 2nd time with all of us showing smiles because she looked so much better. So as much as I want to go see her, she might not even know I'm there and I don't know if I can handle that feeling. She knows I love her and that we're all praying for her. I just wonder what she's thinking right now... like if she's wanting all of us there but just can't communicate that. She doesn't have enough energy to talk, yet I know she wants to talk and I just don't want her to go. I only saw her a couple times a year but I like to think it made each visit that much more special.

I feel so sad for Grandma but then I almost feel worse for my Dad who has to make the power of attorney decision, my uncle who is unable to see his own mother, and my Grandpa who calls her "B" and has been married for 62 years to her.

She's alive right now and I am praying for a miracle, but I guess I'm writing all of this now because in a few days I might not ever feel like writing it, and I want the world to know that Rachel Bickerstaff was a pretty damn good and loving Grandma.

So, right now I just need a friend to hug. This is one of those moments when it sucks to live by yourself. A shoulder to cry on or a friendly hug is quite comforting. And right now that's all I want.