Four

Photo: Ginger guarding the presents ... and sleeping on the job. All she does is sleep. :)


I woke up this morning around 10am thinking that I'd just take the day off from working out. After 2 hours of morning tv, I headed back to bed for another hour, and then sat in the living room with my mom for a couple more hours until Ryan started recording our old family VHS tapes to cds. Some of those were pretty funny to watch. One of the tapes was entitled "The Bickerstaff Family 1954-1967" ... which featured a dog jumping on my dad when he was a few weeks old. Haha.


After basically just sitting all day I ended up going to the Wellness Center. My mom was going to do the beginner spin class so I told her I'd join her. So, I went around 3:30pm to swim 3000 yards and then lifted weights. After that it was on to the spin room with my mom. As we were finishing the class, my dad came into the room because he was doing the 6pm spin class. Somehow he convinced me to stay for a SECOND spin class -- and spin classes are never easy. After 4 workouts in 4 hours, I have to say that my body was beat. Luckily my mom had made one of my favorite dinners -- homemade hamburgers, baked beans, and waffle fries! and right now I'm extremely stuffed. I'm curious as to how my body will feel in the morning as my recent workouts have had no intensity to them like the spin class does.

Okay ... back to watching Texas defeat Arizona St.

Sarah :)

Merry Christmas!

Technically I still have about half an hour until it's no longer Christmas. I hope everyone had a blessed holiday!!!

My family and I attended Christmas Eve service last night at 7pm ... it's always nice to see all the people at your home church whome you haven't seen in a year. After that the Bickerstaff tradition is to come home and open presents! We also drink wine, egg nog, and this year's snack was cheese ball! I think everyone got some really nice gifts. I know I loved all of mine!! :) I got a lot of swim stuff, a sweater and another shirt for work, a hand held vacuum, and season 3 of The Office! I had decoupaged some wine bottles for my parents that had a bunch of pictures of our family on them. I like to surprise people with stuff they wouldn't expect. I hope my parents enjoy them... I tried really hard to make the present special.

I got Ryan one of my favorite books of all time "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. I had read it right out of high school and think it's just an amazing book. It's one of those that after each page you literally have to stop and let the words soak in. My old Pastor in Alva got me hooked on his books. He had given me "The Screwtape Letters" my senior year of high school as a Christmas present and I loved it. I would highly recommend both of those books. In fact, I think I'm going to re-read them soon. I just hope Ryan takes the time to read it. It's hard to shop for him. We see each other about once a year and rarely ever talk -- except for birthdays. I really wish we had a better sibling relationship, but I don't know what else to do at times to make him realize that I'm an okay person. I feel like I've tried and tried but each time I feel like I just fail ... then someone told me once that sometimes you just have to accept another person's behavior and thoughts and realize that it might not be anything you did ... just how that person operates. So, perhaps Ryan doesn't hate me ... perhaps we just operate completely different in life and with people that it's hard for us to get along. At least that's what I have to tell myself so that I don't get sad.

On a happier note, though. I'm really thankful for all the calls, texts, messages, etc that I received today from all my friends. It's so nice to hear from everyone -- even if it's just a simple "Merry Christmas" greeting :)

Oh! and I'm really trying to make it back to Penn State for Blue and White weekend. It's sometime in mid-April and I'm hoping that a ton of my old roomies and alumni friends come back that same weekend. In fact, I probably won't be going unless ya'll come back ... so everyone will have to let me know their plans. A lot has to fall nicely into place in order for me to go --- plane ticket prices are outrageous! So, hopefully it'll all work out and I'll be able to spend a couple days in good ole Happy Valley with some amazing people. :)

Remember the reason for the season.
God Bless,
Sarah :)

Scanner

I really wish my family had a scanner at home. I was looking at pictures from 1985-1988 this evening (2-5 years of age) and basically I have discovered I was a pretty awesome toddler. I should probably confirm that with my parents before I post it to the world, but I just love looking at old pictures. Things I've learned today from pictures:

1. I had no hair on my head until I was 2.
2. I went through a phase where I thought it was awesome to close one eye with my finger in pictures.
3. My corrective shoes had a black stripe.
4. I was scared of our own dog.
5. When I was 5 I was taller than our backyard tree. Now I'm 24 and the treet is about 6 times as tall as me.
6. I loved putting glue on construction paper with a q-tip and then putting packing peanuts on the glue.
7. My mom made some pretty fancy birthday cakes.
8. My brother and I had to wear EXTREMELY BRIGHT ORANGE hoodie jackets when we played outside.
9. I surprised my parents when I was 4 by riding a bike with no training wheels ... when they didn't know I could.
10. There's a picture of me looking 25% alive because I was so sick. It's actually pretty cute -- me with a blotchy, over heating puffy cheek face ... an ice pack on my head .. covered with stuffed animals (because they were the cure for everything) ... and of course a sippy cup. Being 2 and a half or being 24... being sick is the story of my life.
11. My mom liked to include the camera case in numerous photos.
12. At the age of 4 I was a space dragon for Halloween. The pictures look like I was wearing aluminum foil.
13. Even back then I acted silly in half of my pictures.
14. 80% of the furniture in my apartment came from the pictures between 1983-1987.
15. In 1987 I got a ginormous wooden house that my dad built for my little tiny doll toys. I can't think of the name of them right now... but I loved those things! That same Christmas I got my good ole stuffed animal Snoopy. It looked much fluffier and angel white 2 decades ago... it's been loved a lot since then.

And ... there's so more. Every time I come home I have to look at basically all the pictures ever taken in our family.

Home is still going okay. Basically I sleep in, workout, eat, take a nap, workout, watch tv, take pictures of my dog, and catch up with as many people as I can. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which for my family means gift opening! And with presents comes egg nog! I gave my parents gifts they would never expect this year so I'm excited to see their reactions.

Merry Christmas Eve-Eve! :)

Sarah

Snow and wind

So, I wasn't planning on leaving Omaha until this morning so I didn't bother packing Thursday night. Well, when I got back from work Friday afternoon, I realized that a blizzard was going to be rolling through NE, KS, and OK. This was around 3:30 as we all left early; however, I was sooooo very sleepy so I knew I had to take a nap before I attempted driving 450 miles. I ended up finally leaving (took me FOREVER to pack my car with all the stuff I needed to bring home) around 6:30pm. Which made for a 1:30am arrival with a bit of speeding involved. ;)

But now I'm here in good ole Alva, Oklahoma. It's snowing with 40mph wind gust. Nothing like home. :) I'll be home for a little over a week and hope to relax and stroll around my little town as much as possible. I'll probably make frequent visits to the Wellness center to workout as well... thank goodness for an indoor pool! (Though I will miss my YMCA for awhile ... love that place.)

I finally finished mailing out all my Christmas cards earlier this week and hopefully everyone will receive theirs before Christmas day. Evidently the mail service gets a little slow this time of year. But, I like to keep in touch with lots of people so hopefully everyone will enjoy their little notes ... and adorable cards this year. :)

Well, I better get to that indoor pool I was speaking of... now that my car isn't filled with snow... I must have accidently hit the window handle when I was taking all my stuff out of my car last night. Luckily my Dad saw it when he got up to run at 8am ... so he cleared off the nice layer of snow in my backseat. lol

Oh! and check out this band...
http://www.myspace.com/oxygeno2
I like.

Sarah :)

Nice

I'm overly nice. I admit it. I like to make people smile. I like to make people feel special. So I try my best.
Some people only try to cheer up those that outwardly look sad. But I know others might need it as well.
I know many times I've been a mess inside but outwardly could present myself as I'm the happiest person on Earth -- partly because I giggle at everything.
I do random things for people. Send them little notes in the mail. Give random things.
Try to put a smile on my face as I pass people. But mostly I like to let people know what they mean to me.

I just finished sending out all my Christmas cards. Most of the people I send cards to are the ones I only might see once or twice a year. So when I'm pulling their name from the address book, I get a chance to sit and reflect about shared memories and how that person has helped me grow to who I am today. And so I like to tell people straight up how meaningful they are to me ... and if they are to me, then they are to the world.

Sometimes I think people think I'm crazy for being so upfront. Maybe it's because most people don't share their thoughts every day... I don't know.
It's like the old lady at Barnes and Noble who always has a million magazines or books on her table in the Starbucks Cafe ... I've never told her this, but I appreciate her presence so much. I believe she might be a bit mentally impaired, but I am greatful on the days that we are there at the same time as she reminds me of how simple life can be and how complicated we tend to make our lives.

Anyways... I just finished my cards and wonder what people feel when they receive that little note. I'll end with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"I do honestly believe that people enter our lives for a reason. That everyone who we meet, who forms an impression, has something to teach us. Everything that happens to us is an experience, and because of that it can never be bad. An experience can only be good because it all serves to shape the person that we are, the person that we become."

And that is precisely why I'm so very greatful for so many people ... no matter how short their stint in my life might have been.

A big thanks... to everyone.
Sarah

Oh December

Photo: Always in my heart.

Dear December ... you have been a tough one.

I attended my Grandma's burial and then memorial service last week in Kansas. Saddest 2 days of my life. However, I don't think I'm as much sad for her as she is no longer here as I am for all the people she had blessed throughout her life. My Grandpa gave me her wedding band that was built into a necklace. I'm going to wear it with pride. Being in her house was very hard as well ... none of her praying to wake up to, or questions about my life, or her crazy casserole dishes, or her ever so distinctive voice. As I look at her picture on my desk though, I can only be happy that she is up in heaven in perfect peace.

I finished up my Christmas present shopping this past weekend and I only have one or two more Christmas card to send out. My list isn't nearly as long as my Grandma's was (152 people! ... with hand written notes in each one!) but I must admit that I tend to go on and on in my letters and so my hand is kinda getting sore.

My eyes have opened up a bit in life lately and it's hard to take it all in. Some days I can think I have a wonderful life and other days I feel like I'm messing up somewhere. Those of you who know me well know about my struggles ... and somedays are good and some are bad. I guess all I can do is pray about it. There are so many good things in this life on Earth to let certain things get to you.

Anyway, it's been a crazy learning month for me and I guess those come around every once in a while to put us back up on our feet. Check out "Silver Lining" by Rilo Kiley. Pretty sweet song.

Trying to smile ...

Sarah

Rest in Peace Grandma... You're up in Heaven Now

I miss you.

Rachel Bickerstaff

December 11, 1921 - December 7, 2007

Update

Received a card from my Grandpa and Aunt Connie (who is staying with them to help my Grandpa out). My Aunt wrote "... your Grandma wanted to make sure that her Christmas cards got out. I am so glad she keeps good records. Otherwise I'd be in trouble. Now that she is in her own room she made sure the picture you drew [for her] that says "Jesus Loves You" is taped to the wall so she can see it. So between Grandpa and I we're getting her cards out. Wow she knows so many people."

Guess I just wanted to fortify the fact that my Grandma kept in touch with so many people her entire life no matter how little she saw them and no matter if they ever wrote back. I want to be like her.

I need a HUG.

Picture: Christmas Break 2006. Grandma and I were practicing goofy faces for the camera.

Well, a week ago I wrote and was as happy as could be. But then life just started going downhill... I was having high hopes but my Dad called me yesterday to inform me that my Grandma only has a few days left. Below there's a post from my Thanksgiving visit with Grandma.... She was doing much better the next couple of days in ICU and got her breathing tubes out. She even got OUT of ICU. Right now she has an oxygen mask and they inserted the feeding tube again to give her some energy.

My family sent her some balloons on Tuesday and my Grandpa and Aunt said that she smiled and faintly acknowledged the gift, but that she's barely grasping their hands any more when they hold her hand. Carbon dioxide is building up in her lungs and she seems to be slowly slipping away. Today she had a slightly better report which was good to hear but it's hard to accept that when it seems it's just a matter of time. If she continues to fade my Dad will have to make the decision to pull her off life support and let her die a natural death.

I've never really had anyone close to me pass away, especially someone so holy as my Grandma. She was the type of Grandma that when I would visit I would wake up to the sound of her unforgettable voice praying aloud to God to be with her loved ones and ones she didn't know. She gave me my first Bible. When I didn't want to play pinnocle with the rest of the family she would sit and play cribbage with me. She made the best watermelon rolls which I still have yet to attempt to make. She wrote to me every single month once I left home to let me know she loved me and that I was always in her prayers. She would make me crochetted everything. Once she made me a green hat (see pic below) that evidently I wore every night for a summer waking up with a pool of sweat on my head. She seemed more connected to her extended relatives than anyone I've ever known. I gave her a penn state t-shirt my freshman year for Christmas and even though I accidently bought an XL... she still wore it when I would visit to show me she appreciated it. Every time I would visit in college she would always ask if I had a "special friend" which would make me smile because of her curiosity.

My parents stopped in Junction City to visit my dad's parents on their way up to visit me in September. I was surprised to see a sad looking dog my brother and I had named Samuel in my parents' car. It was the stuffed animal Ryan and I would always fight over. Every time I would visit in college my Grandma would always ask me what I wanted of hers (she always had this negative view of how her life seemed to becoming closer to its end that all of us would just chuckle about because she was fine and healthy). I never really wanted anything of hers ... like the china she gave me and other things like that. So I mentioned to her once, that the ONE thing that will forever remind me of her is SAMUEL. She gave Samuel to my parents in September to give to me because (in her negative view) she might not be alive to give it to me. I went down to see her and my Grandpa towards the end of October while my parents were there for my Dad's 35th high school reunion. That was the last time I saw her as a whole... as the Grandma I grew to know...

Her and I watching TV while my parents were at the reunion stuff. Her asking me about my job and me asking her stories from when she was younger. Her putting her little boombox to her ear so she could hear the football game on the radio and all of a sudden hearing "YES!!!" when her team scored. I love that memory. It truely makes me smile.

So when my Dad called yesterday I felt like I should go down there immediately so I could see her one last time. After talking to him awhile though and contemplating it I realized that I don't want that atmosphere to be my last memory of her. I did see her twice over Thanksgiving, with the first time me being a crying mess, but the 2nd time with all of us showing smiles because she looked so much better. So as much as I want to go see her, she might not even know I'm there and I don't know if I can handle that feeling. She knows I love her and that we're all praying for her. I just wonder what she's thinking right now... like if she's wanting all of us there but just can't communicate that. She doesn't have enough energy to talk, yet I know she wants to talk and I just don't want her to go. I only saw her a couple times a year but I like to think it made each visit that much more special.

I feel so sad for Grandma but then I almost feel worse for my Dad who has to make the power of attorney decision, my uncle who is unable to see his own mother, and my Grandpa who calls her "B" and has been married for 62 years to her.

She's alive right now and I am praying for a miracle, but I guess I'm writing all of this now because in a few days I might not ever feel like writing it, and I want the world to know that Rachel Bickerstaff was a pretty damn good and loving Grandma.

So, right now I just need a friend to hug. This is one of those moments when it sucks to live by yourself. A shoulder to cry on or a friendly hug is quite comforting. And right now that's all I want.

Picture: THE green hat that my Grandma made and that I would wear ALL the time.